Monday, December 1, 2008

Thinking Like a Virgin

Listen up!
It's time to lose your V card. You've had it. You're fed up with all your friends talking about how they are shacking up with everything under the sun and your still shacking up with Miss July from Volume XXVI Issue 19 and a box of tissues. Lame. You have one big problem - you're still thinking like a virgin.

Thinking Like a Virgin will NOT get you Laid
Hold up, why not? I mean, if I think like a virgin that means I'm always trying to hook up with a girl right? Wrong - your mindset is totally messed up. Half the battle of getting laid, unless you were given the genetics of Brad Pitt, is getting your mind right. I bet you know a few ugly looking kids who are shagging some fine looking girls. They got it right.

Problem #1 - You're wearing a cologne called Desperation
You wreak of desperation when you're a virgin and girls know it. You gotta play it cool with the ladies, like it's a privilege for them to be talking to you and not the other way around. Exude confidence. The virgin mentality will make you nervous and jittery and girls will smell inexperience and doubt. Act like you've been boning for years. You are King Dick, ruler of the Kingdom of Copulation (look this word up if you don't know what it means 7th graders).

Problem #2 - You're pursuing the wrong girl(s)
You looking for a nice, kind, inexperienced girl to take home to introduce to your parents. Wrong, this won't get you laid either. You are Knight Dick. How does Knight Dick become King Dick? He first slays Whorezilla. You need to target the hooknasties. These sorority-girls-in-the-making are perfect to knock the Uggs with your first time. You know who I am talking about. The bleached-blonde fake-tanned cock goblins who wear their bug-eyed D&G sunglasses and A&F turtle necks in the hallways to cover up their hang-overs and hickeys. They tend to be holding a StarBucks Coffee and fiending for a cigarette. That's another piece of advice - always carry an extra pack of cigs even if you don't smoke. I could name several of my friends who've gotten BJs just because a hooknasty needed her nicotine fix at a late night party and was desperate enough.

Problem #3 - You're being too nice
Don't be a nice guy... Virgins tend to be nice guys. You are King Dick for several reasons. 1 is that you are always using your manrod to slay whorezillas. 2 is because you are so calm, cool and detached, girls think you don't care about them and you are a dickhead in their eyes. This is good - girls want what they can't have. Always! If you are a virgin, you're too available. You have no appeal to many of the girls you're looking to bake a sexual cake with. Once girls see you have some experience, they will see other girls are into you, and Boom - your level of desirability goes up. You've leapt from Steve Urkel to Nick Carter. Hooray!

Problem #4 – You’re not sure if you are going to be good at sex

You’re not confident that you really are King Dick. Because of this, you don’t say or do those cocky things that non-virgins do. Guess what?? You’re probably going to suck your first time. But that’s fine. Most girls don’t know what to expect the first time either. The point is – ACT like you are going to be amazing. Half of sex is the mental aspect anyway. Now go sharpen that sword. (What does he mean by that??)

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