Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Word of the day!

Alert! "Fresh" has taken on new meaning.


Middle English, from Anglo-French fresch, freis, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German frisc fresh; akin to Old English fersc fresh
13th century

Fresh - ready to go, ready to rock & roll, ready to shred

"Yo, call me when you're fresh so we can hit the road."
"I'm fresh"
"Yes sir, I have those reports you asked for and they are fresh."
"Yo dude, I was with this babe last night, things we're going well, she was so fresh."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Your First Party

You've made it to your first big party.

How'd you get here? Maybe that wealthy preppie kid a town over is throwing a rager or maybe you finally got in with the guy whose swinger parents skip town every weekend to mix it up in el Caribe with the natives. Doesn't matter. You're first party can make or break you as a person in high school. You need to be prepared.

Pre-Party Planning
Have a good cover story. Also, you need to invest in a sober driver or be able and willing to walk back from this party on your own two feet. You have no idea what could happen at this party, so don't count on staying over - have a backup plan in place. Driving after drinking is not a backup plan. My lawyers tell me that I can not endorse driving under the influence, so don't do it. The fines and medical bills will put you in a financial hole the rest of your life (that means you will not live the dream and you fail at life). Have fun working at Walgreens!

First Step

Before you even consider going to any party – know your tolerance. Alcohol affects everyone in different ways – if you tend to be sloppy when you drink, you better be aware of this and know how to compensate for it. (That means you need to drink at least once before you go to your first big party Einstein.)

Odds and Ends
Never be without a few key items.
-A lighter
-Cigarettes (does not matter if you smoke or not)
-Cell phone & car charger
-Shot glass
-Bottle opener
-Knowledge of good music

-Knowledge of drinking games

These items are the most asked for items at parties. They can help start conversation; it's a good social networking tool. This way, if Johnny Football Star comes up and can't open his beer, you can help him out while simultaneously gaining style points for being prepared and winking at Suzy “party favor” Swanson.

Try to bring something to the party that distinguishes you. When I worked in the kitchen of a female prep school, we'd make hot wings every Friday night before we left. At whatever party we decided was the best for the night, we'd bring the wings to the drunk kids. Instant drinks and bong hits for us. Try bringing some kind of different micro-brewery beer, a funnel (beer bong whatever), expensive liquor, or maybe have ping pongs balls with you. The point is to make a statement.

Monday, December 22, 2008

To be rich, you must live richly

So let’s get back to basics for a blog. One of the main reasons I write is to help my readers get the most out of life. With that comes money. So you want to be rich? Doesn’t everyone.

Why do you want to be rich?

Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy a lot of other cool shit. But that’s not the point. Being a consumivore (as opposed to carnivore, herbivore, omnivore, Al-Gore) is not what brings happiness. Money brings freedom. With money, you don’t have to show up for work Monday morning. You don’t have to skip out on the trip to Vegas this month. No one is calling you, hounding you to pay off that high interest rate credit card. No one sends you bills. You are free.

Freedom is happiness.

How do you get rich?

My very successful, Italian entrepreneurial friend from college once told me, “Jackson if you want to be rich, you have to live richly. Live like you are rich.”

50% of you reading this statement will immediately have an adverse reaction to this statement. “That won’t work!” you say. You can’t go spending money you don’t have, going into debt, living richly.

No shit.

His point was, you must invest in yourself. You must have things in common with those who are successful. Believe it or not, you vast knowledge of the Sony Playstation system will not advance you up the corporate ladder. Rich people do rich things. They boat, go to the shore, ski at mountain resorts, play recreational sports like golf, tennis, etc, and are well-traveled. When you are young, you can’t do all of this. But you can set yourself up for success. Don’t count on your parents to do this for you. In order to have things in common with rich people, start young. You’ll find the things they do are actually very fun and you’ll always have a conversation starter.

Take golf lessons. Learn to ski. Take a foreign language course and try to get a trip abroad to Europe once. Learn to swim. Eat seafood. Read one deep novel and have a good quote from it. You’ll be surprised how easy it will be to talk to the big-wigs in your area. This will open doors. The next step – go through them the right way.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sex: The Don'ts

What Not to Do...

1.) Resist the urge to mutter all of those clever phrases that are coming into your head while you're boning... Believe it or not "I have a robot dick!" and "Me so horny", or "You taste like corn" will not turn the girl on. It's her job to make noise and you're job to just make it happen. If you do have to talk, just ask short simple questions that involve answers that make her say "Yeah! YeahYeahYeah!"

2.) Other potential mood killers - you haven't showered or tidied up down there. That means shave or trim and if you're a chronic sweater, try some Gold Bond medicated powder. It works wonders for your boys.

3.) Resist the urge to bring lube for your four inch virgin penis. These girls are ready to go. KY Jelly says "I put waaaayyy too much thought into this and I'm really creepy, still wanna touch me?" Game over. Thanks SuperBad.

4.) This is the biggest one. Do not under any circumstance say "I love you." This is huge. This will completely freak the girl out. She'll think you want to get married and impregnate her. She'll lose all respect for you as a man. Saying I love you is like saying "I'm super desperate and you are the only girl that would sleep with me." If a girl makes you say it to have sex with her - walk away. That means the girl is legally insane and no amount of pussy is worth the price she will make you pay with her craziness. Get up, go home, rub one out, whatever, do not shack up with this blood-sucker!

So now you're here...
Just remember every girl is different. Some girls are freaks in bed and it's easy. Other girls are self-conscious or insecure. Try to find a girl that is confident being naked, they are the most fun. Also, some girls are not orgasmic. It doesn't matter how many ways you stick it to some girls, the sex will not be good. So keep an open mind. Speaking from experience, some girls will click with you and you will literally go hours with them. Other girls will just not click with you and it won't be that great no matter what you try.

Oh, and the key to lasting hours? Experience helps, but really it's a mental thing starting out. You gotta keep your mind focused on lasting, not blasting. Find something to think about during sex. I had one friend who swore by old ladies and toilet seats. I always found if I ran through a list of items, like what I had to do the next day or thought about sports, I had no problem lasting. This will eventually not be necessary, it will just come naturally for most. Some girls are naturally tighter too, so it never hurts to have this technique mastered.

When you're finished...

Smoke a cigarette, send some text messages, have a glass of anti-oxidant rich green tea, whatever you need. Check the condom to make sure it's intact. Now go ahead and brag to all your boys about how you were freaking king kong in the bedroom. You earned it.

Your First Time: The DOs

The Do's...

Before you cross this great divide (I’m talking metaphorically, not anatomically), preparation is in order if you want to make it to the next round of bone-olympics. Much like the Patriots are (were) the best prepared NFL team week in and week out, so should you be the best prepared jockey playing the field. Here goes.

1.) Watch some porno - this will give you an idea of cool positions, good techniques and great facial expressions you can make (joking), it's like an online training session all for you - but you should probably hold on off the advanced manuevers until at least a few go arounds (ie the uber-facials, the dirty sanchez, yoga bone, etc.)

2.) Have your signature condom - get comfortable with your latex friend, know how to use him, what size, shape, color and flavor you like (you weirdo). You do not want to be fumbling for your jimmy in the dark and end up killing the moment. And don't get cocky and not strap one on, you must wear one, it's standard operating procedure, you don't want kids or whatever bed bugs your booty call happens to have. Just imagine how easy it will be picking ladies up at the park, with your two year old son in tow – wear an effin’ condom!

3.) Get over your jitters... this might mean having a few drinks beforehand or whatever, something to ease those pre-bone butterflies. I wouldn’t suggest smoking weed, taking painkillers, or doing in excess of 350 pushups – all will diminish the blood flow to that important area.

4.) Have a good spot picked out - This does not mean your basement at 5:00 PM on a Wednesday. Find a time and place when no one can hear you or her (and if you're the one screaming, you've got more problems than I want to write about.)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Your First Time

Drum Roll Please... Trumpets Begin Playing...
You've made it to the edge of the promised land. You are going to score. You are going to get some poonani, some poon tang, some sweeet sweet lovin', some va-jay-jay, ass, p in the va-jee, you will be the iron chef of poundin vagé, you're boning, you're banging, fornicating, copulating, consumating your love, getting laid, baking a sexual cake, splitting the oak, sawing the timber, screwin’ in the lightbulb, making a pubey salad, waxing the car, shining the shoe, taking the train to pound town, knockin' the boots, ridin' the flesh wave, makin' babies, doing the no pants dance, laying the pipe.... You're having sex!

Wait! How'd you get here?

Back up the love train. You found a girl. She's might be a little dim witted. She might have a tramp stamp. May be kind of a slute (rhymes with flute, but its more fun to say than “slut”). She's most likely a hooknasty (see previous blog for this definition). She might wear a little too much makeup but she's no swamp donkey.

And that's a good thing - you're probably going to suck big time your first time and you need a girl that you don't care about too much. Also, this girl has probably done it before and that's going to make things a lot easier for you - that means no hesitation, no whining, complaining, or post-intercourse crying (for you ya big freak). That means you'll suck less which is a good thing because girls have big mouths and you can bet by tomorrow morning Tammy will be telling Suzy that Sally knows that your flesh rocket took off in T-minus 30 seconds in bed and won't that make lunch in the cafeteria awkward tomorrow?

Let's talk about what your pre-game preparation will be...

Thinking Like a Virgin

Listen up!
It's time to lose your V card. You've had it. You're fed up with all your friends talking about how they are shacking up with everything under the sun and your still shacking up with Miss July from Volume XXVI Issue 19 and a box of tissues. Lame. You have one big problem - you're still thinking like a virgin.

Thinking Like a Virgin will NOT get you Laid
Hold up, why not? I mean, if I think like a virgin that means I'm always trying to hook up with a girl right? Wrong - your mindset is totally messed up. Half the battle of getting laid, unless you were given the genetics of Brad Pitt, is getting your mind right. I bet you know a few ugly looking kids who are shagging some fine looking girls. They got it right.

Problem #1 - You're wearing a cologne called Desperation
You wreak of desperation when you're a virgin and girls know it. You gotta play it cool with the ladies, like it's a privilege for them to be talking to you and not the other way around. Exude confidence. The virgin mentality will make you nervous and jittery and girls will smell inexperience and doubt. Act like you've been boning for years. You are King Dick, ruler of the Kingdom of Copulation (look this word up if you don't know what it means 7th graders).

Problem #2 - You're pursuing the wrong girl(s)
You looking for a nice, kind, inexperienced girl to take home to introduce to your parents. Wrong, this won't get you laid either. You are Knight Dick. How does Knight Dick become King Dick? He first slays Whorezilla. You need to target the hooknasties. These sorority-girls-in-the-making are perfect to knock the Uggs with your first time. You know who I am talking about. The bleached-blonde fake-tanned cock goblins who wear their bug-eyed D&G sunglasses and A&F turtle necks in the hallways to cover up their hang-overs and hickeys. They tend to be holding a StarBucks Coffee and fiending for a cigarette. That's another piece of advice - always carry an extra pack of cigs even if you don't smoke. I could name several of my friends who've gotten BJs just because a hooknasty needed her nicotine fix at a late night party and was desperate enough.

Problem #3 - You're being too nice
Don't be a nice guy... Virgins tend to be nice guys. You are King Dick for several reasons. 1 is that you are always using your manrod to slay whorezillas. 2 is because you are so calm, cool and detached, girls think you don't care about them and you are a dickhead in their eyes. This is good - girls want what they can't have. Always! If you are a virgin, you're too available. You have no appeal to many of the girls you're looking to bake a sexual cake with. Once girls see you have some experience, they will see other girls are into you, and Boom - your level of desirability goes up. You've leapt from Steve Urkel to Nick Carter. Hooray!

Problem #4 – You’re not sure if you are going to be good at sex

You’re not confident that you really are King Dick. Because of this, you don’t say or do those cocky things that non-virgins do. Guess what?? You’re probably going to suck your first time. But that’s fine. Most girls don’t know what to expect the first time either. The point is – ACT like you are going to be amazing. Half of sex is the mental aspect anyway. Now go sharpen that sword. (What does he mean by that??)