Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sex: The Don'ts

What Not to Do...

1.) Resist the urge to mutter all of those clever phrases that are coming into your head while you're boning... Believe it or not "I have a robot dick!" and "Me so horny", or "You taste like corn" will not turn the girl on. It's her job to make noise and you're job to just make it happen. If you do have to talk, just ask short simple questions that involve answers that make her say "Yeah! YeahYeahYeah!"

2.) Other potential mood killers - you haven't showered or tidied up down there. That means shave or trim and if you're a chronic sweater, try some Gold Bond medicated powder. It works wonders for your boys.

3.) Resist the urge to bring lube for your four inch virgin penis. These girls are ready to go. KY Jelly says "I put waaaayyy too much thought into this and I'm really creepy, still wanna touch me?" Game over. Thanks SuperBad.

4.) This is the biggest one. Do not under any circumstance say "I love you." This is huge. This will completely freak the girl out. She'll think you want to get married and impregnate her. She'll lose all respect for you as a man. Saying I love you is like saying "I'm super desperate and you are the only girl that would sleep with me." If a girl makes you say it to have sex with her - walk away. That means the girl is legally insane and no amount of pussy is worth the price she will make you pay with her craziness. Get up, go home, rub one out, whatever, do not shack up with this blood-sucker!

So now you're here...
Just remember every girl is different. Some girls are freaks in bed and it's easy. Other girls are self-conscious or insecure. Try to find a girl that is confident being naked, they are the most fun. Also, some girls are not orgasmic. It doesn't matter how many ways you stick it to some girls, the sex will not be good. So keep an open mind. Speaking from experience, some girls will click with you and you will literally go hours with them. Other girls will just not click with you and it won't be that great no matter what you try.

Oh, and the key to lasting hours? Experience helps, but really it's a mental thing starting out. You gotta keep your mind focused on lasting, not blasting. Find something to think about during sex. I had one friend who swore by old ladies and toilet seats. I always found if I ran through a list of items, like what I had to do the next day or thought about sports, I had no problem lasting. This will eventually not be necessary, it will just come naturally for most. Some girls are naturally tighter too, so it never hurts to have this technique mastered.

When you're finished...

Smoke a cigarette, send some text messages, have a glass of anti-oxidant rich green tea, whatever you need. Check the condom to make sure it's intact. Now go ahead and brag to all your boys about how you were freaking king kong in the bedroom. You earned it.

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