Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Your First Time: The DOs

The Do's...

Before you cross this great divide (I’m talking metaphorically, not anatomically), preparation is in order if you want to make it to the next round of bone-olympics. Much like the Patriots are (were) the best prepared NFL team week in and week out, so should you be the best prepared jockey playing the field. Here goes.

1.) Watch some porno - this will give you an idea of cool positions, good techniques and great facial expressions you can make (joking), it's like an online training session all for you - but you should probably hold on off the advanced manuevers until at least a few go arounds (ie the uber-facials, the dirty sanchez, yoga bone, etc.)

2.) Have your signature condom - get comfortable with your latex friend, know how to use him, what size, shape, color and flavor you like (you weirdo). You do not want to be fumbling for your jimmy in the dark and end up killing the moment. And don't get cocky and not strap one on, you must wear one, it's standard operating procedure, you don't want kids or whatever bed bugs your booty call happens to have. Just imagine how easy it will be picking ladies up at the park, with your two year old son in tow – wear an effin’ condom!

3.) Get over your jitters... this might mean having a few drinks beforehand or whatever, something to ease those pre-bone butterflies. I wouldn’t suggest smoking weed, taking painkillers, or doing in excess of 350 pushups – all will diminish the blood flow to that important area.

4.) Have a good spot picked out - This does not mean your basement at 5:00 PM on a Wednesday. Find a time and place when no one can hear you or her (and if you're the one screaming, you've got more problems than I want to write about.)

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