Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Your First Party - Part II

You are what you drink.
It may be tempting to reach into that cooler and grab a tall frosty Mike's Hard Lemonade. But then again, if Mike's Hard Lemonade is tempting you, then maybe so is slapping Johnny Football Star's ass. The point is, Smirnoff Ice, Mike's, Zima, all these are girl drinks. Don't touch them. Men drink beer. When there is no beer, Men drink Scotch. When the scotch is gone, Men go hunting and pillaging for more beer and scotch. End. Of. Story. No flavored 70 proof "peaches and cream" vodka should ever touch your lips. It's proven to decrease testosterone and semen while leading to feelings of rejection and the desire to talk without making sense. Oh my God! So that's why girls act the way they do when they are drunk!

Your Party Outfit
First of all, if you are calling it your "outfit" you have more problems than deciding what kind of beer to drink. Your clothes say a lot about you, but not nearly as much as marketing majors at Calvin Klein actually want you to think. Instead of investing a lot of money in clothes, invest that money in your body. Ever notice that the models wearing the clothes could make a homeless Mexican's sombrero and siesta blanket look good? You can make a simple tee-shirt look incredible if you are in good shape. No need to go buy a $300 D&G cashmere sweater so Suzy Swanson hooks up with you. Buy a shirt that says something about you! Go To The Gym! Then drink beer and scotch. Then watch hair sprout from your chest!

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